John Gottman’s central research finding is that in marriages where the spouses are successful and happy, their friendship with each other seems to be what defines their relationship. When speaking about friendship, Gottman isn’t referencing the friends you have in school, where you braid each other’s hair and talk about your crushes. The friendship that he is talking about is a bond between two people who genuinely enjoy being together, and who respect each other. Some people may think that you don’t have to be friends with your spouse, and that you just need to love each other, but how can you really love each other without a strong friendship? If you don’t enjoy being around your spouse, what is the point of being married? It is important to feel that kind of bond with your spouse, because when you are friends, you are better able to forgive each other, and bounce back from fights, because you both love being around each other.
I felt really hopeful when I first read this because I realized that my husband and I have a strong friendship with each other. We love being around each other, and just talking about random things with each other. I think that the casual conversation that we so easily have and enjoy is a really strong point in our marriage. We can be talking about one thing and then end up talking to each other for an hour! I also don’t have the worry about saying something wrong or embarrassing, because I know that my husband will understand me!
I like how Gottman mentioned that you don’t need to communicate to succeed in your marriage, and that just because a couple fights a lot, it does not mean that their marriage is doomed. I was really surprised when I read that, because I thought that if couple yells each other and fights all of the time, it meant that they had a horrible relationship. But as Gottman mentioned, as long as you can move on and recover from these fights, you can still have a happy marriage.
Mallory Graham's Marriage Blog 